By: Hanna Shebar

If I had been asked in 2017 for my 5-year plan, the answer would probably have been becoming engaged to my then-boyfriend.

The mere thought that I would be advocating for self-love, and helping people on their healing journey, would never have crossed my mind.

Staying in a toxic relationship with both my partner and myself, getting constant panic and anxiety attacks, and going through depression, insomnia, and eating disorders were normal Tuesdays for me. The saddest part of this cycle was that I refused to see the obvious: I refused to acknowledge that the relationship I had brought me more harm than good. The fear of losing the person I thought I loved made me lose myself in the process too.

84% of women and 75% of men report having a toxic relationship at some point in their life, but in reality, we all have been there one way or the other. I was no exception; I simply didn't know it yet.

In 2018, I was a graduate trying to figure out my place in this chaotic world. After changing professions from hostess to personal assistant, to social media consultant, I eventually ended up working as an office administrator. It became clear from the first day that I didn’t fit into the corporate world: I constantly looked for excuses and would wake up almost every morning wishing I would get sick to have a reason to miss a day at work. On one of such days, while I tried to clear my head, I sat down and started to write. Writing has been something I went to school for—at one point, becoming a writer was my life's biggest goal.

I wrote a short story about a girl so desperate for love that she rushed to give her heart to all the wrong people.

The first lesson in Writing 101 is to write what you know. For me, Los Angeles—with its dating, drama, and commitment issues—was a topic I knew all too well. After one short story came another, and another, until the idea of the book finally crossed my mind. With this book, my healing journey had begun.

One might ask, how can writing a fictional story can help someone heal? For me, I wrote from experience, and from the unspoken and unhealed trauma. Without realizing it, I was journaling, helping myself to heal in the process.

My fears, insecurities, and issues had found their way into the story. The more I wrote about these fictional characters, inspired by my life experience, the more I saw how dysfunctional my own relationship was. For the first time in years, I slowed down and looked around me. The picture I saw was not very appealing: the job that I hated, the relationship that I struggled with, mental health problems, and insecurities. For the first time, I saw my life without illusions, without the prism of love; I saw that the person I used to call "the love of my life" was constantly trying to bring me down. Even without him, I did a pretty good job of devaluing all my efforts and work.

Rereading my writing, I learned a painful truth: that sad, unhappy girl, who would have given her heart to anyone who'd take it, was me. I was writing about myself.  I was the one trapped in a toxic relationship, not only on paper but in real life as well.

It made me wonder what happened to that dreamer I used to be. Where did she go, that confident girl who thought she could take on the world and come out victorious?

How could 3 years have changed me so drastically, turning me into someone I didn't even recognize?

I still don't know the exact day when I became that unhappy ghost of the person I used to be. These things don't happen to us overnight— they take time and effort to bring you down. In that effort, I was succeeding.

The person closest to me, my then-boyfriend, helped me to convince myself that I was not enough. According to him, I was not smart enough to have my dream job, not talented enough to succeed, and not good enough to deserve something or someone better in my life. What’s even worse is that I allowed myself to believe it. For years I was depressed, without even realizing it. I developed unhealthy eating behaviors, going from one extreme to another, from overeating to starving myself for days. Anxiety had become a part of my daily routine, so much so that it stopped bothering me.

Healing isn't possible without acknowledging and accepting the fact that something isn't working, that something is wrong. For me, the call to action has become my book. Seeing my own story all on paper had finally opened my eyes: I knew I was unhappy, I knew something had to be done, and I couldn't go on like that any longer.

It took me almost 3 years of break-ups and make-ups to set myself free from the mentally abusive relationship I had. I also quit the job I had so much despised. The next task on my list was to fall in love with myself all over again: not an easy task for someone who has spent years falling out of love.

Firstly, I created a healthy routine for myself. Eating good food, exercising, reading books, going on long walks, and getting a good night's sleep. These might seem like basic first steps, but they are vital.

Secondly, I changed the narrative. From there onwards, I allowed only positive self-talk; before I knew it, I went from simply saying nice things to myself to feeling them.

Thirdly, I decided it was time to get to know myself: how can you love a person without knowing them? As it turned out, I knew absolutely nothing about who I had become, what dreams and goals I had, and where I wanted to go from that point in my life.

Without knowing where to start, I started by writing down a list of things I liked about myself, from good qualities to physical appearance, from beautiful eyes to a great sense of humor.  I suddenly realized there were a lot of things I appreciated in myself—I just needed to be reminded of them.

It took almost five years and two published books to get here, to the point where I can appreciate, accept, and love myself; this is the point where I’m in harmony with who I am, where I am happy, and where I know my value and worth.

The healing journey is different for everyone, and for me, it was through my writing.

Do I regret going through all of that? No. Would I do it all over again? Absolutely. Without the struggle, the pain, the heartbreak, the desperation, and moments of faith in myself, I wouldn't have been able to help people who are going through a similar experience as I did. I wouldn't have become that version of myself I am today. I wouldn't be me, and I happen to love that girl. □

About The Writer

Hanna Shebar, a Ukrainian-American writer, author, and self-love advocate is the author of the books Happily Never After: Toxic Relationship & Its Consequences, 50 Quotes To Fall In Love With Yourself, and creator of the courses 30 Days to Self-Love and Self-Love 101. For the past 8 years, Shebar has lived and worked in Los Angeles, California.

Article Credits

Hanna’s Instagram: @hannashebar

Hanna’s Website: HANNA SHEBAR