One Less Sad Party Girl & What It Means To Be Sober Conscious
By: Sarah Pretorius
The normalization of binge drinking in women (having four or more drinks in one sitting) is everywhere in popular culture. From bottomless brunches with the girls and “rosé all day” to Wine Wednesdays and “Mommy’s special juice,” binge drinking is a culturally acceptable method of coping through life's highs and lows. While not every woman is vulnerable to Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), or alcoholism, a recent study estimates that over 15 million adults in the United States — or over 6 percent of the population — have Alcohol abuse Disorder. In addition, the study showed that from 2001 to 2013, alcohol use among women in the U.S. rose by nearly 16 percent. So, what if it’s never just one or two drinks? What if two drinks always mean four, and four drinks inevitably lead to six. What if, as is the case for thousands of women, tipping back more than four or more drinks throughout a night is just business as usual?
I wanted to share some of the triggers, pressures, and root causes of why statistically, women are drinking more now. I’ll also share a little about my journey of healing from an unhealthy pattern of drinking. There are immense benefits in re-evaluating one’s relationship with booze, and I hope to inspire other women to seek the help and support they need and deserve.
Sarah Pretorius
It’s important to understand that alcohol abuse and misuse is a vast spectrum, and sobriety is not a light-hearted choice for those who struggle with an alcohol dependency. On the contrary, getting sober for an addict can be a life or death decision that requires the help and support of highly trained professionals. I write this through the lens of my personal experience, not of a professional counselor. Although I never identified as an alcoholic, I exhibited cyclical patterns of problematic drinking and struggled with moderation during social occasions where alcohol was available.
If you have trouble moderating your drinking, you’re not alone.
Even before the pandemic, a study published in JAMA Psychiatry reflected an alarming increase in high-risk and problem drinking in women compared to men. Unfortunately, our booze-loving culture isn’t helping.
While the reasons for problem drinking among women are varied, some factors and root causes include:
Societal pressures - many ways we spend time with friends and family are center-around drinking.
Stress and anxiety - our grinding schedules and pace of life often lead to a work-life imbalance, and we are conditioned to think that drinking is a standard coping mechanism.
A form of quick escapism - alcohol serves as a way to escape or checkout from the complex, challenging, annoying, and uncomfortable aspects of our daily lives.
Toxic ‘pink marketing’ campaigns - the calculated feminization of drinking culture in advertising pushed by alcohol companies to target female audiences.
Exposure to any form of trauma and those who have experienced PTSD.
Photography Credits: stayhereforu
As I started to share my journey with alcohol more openly, I came to find that one common theme among problematic drinkers is that they tend to struggle with anxiety and feelings of lower self-worth.
“Alcohol is a quick decompression tool, and it’s self-medication for depression, anxiety, overwork,” says Ann Dowsett Johnston, the author of Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol. Drinking to cope often leads to more stress and anxiety, especially for women struggling with unprocessed trauma, low self-esteem, social anxiety, and other root causes that make them more vulnerable to over-drinking in the first place. The pattern of drinking to cope and then over-drinking, as a result, becomes a toxic cycle that can damage a person’s physical, mental and emotional health.
But there is hope.
An exciting movement is happening within women’s wellness, and it does not include low-calorie organic tequila or tannin-free chardonnay. Instead, more and more women are saying ‘buh-bye’ to booze altogether as a lifestyle choice; they are praising what sobriety has done for their mental health, spirituality, relationships, and professional success. The hashtag #sobercurious relates to the sober curious movement when a person chooses sobriety for the physical and psychological health benefits, as opposed to an alcohol abuse problem.
I didn’t think I had a problem with drinking, but the therapist I saw when I was twenty-three thought differently. While I didn’t drink frequently or when alone, when I was out with friends, I routinely drank to the point of blacking out. Finally, in 2013 a concerned friend referred me to a therapist, and my healing journey began. Over the next seven years, I uncovered and confronted layers of trauma that I had suppressed since childhood through the help of licensed psychologists. Yet, despite the trauma healing, exploring triggers, and re-writing old self-demoralizing narratives, I wasn’t ready to give up alcohol altogether.
Sarah Pretorius
Finally, in 2021 something within me broke open — I had had enough. I had started talking more openly about my unhealthy relationship with alcohol with friends and via my poetry on social media. I used to feel alone because of my over-drinking, it felt like everyone else grew up and grew out of blacking out, but I hadn’t. But that wasn’t the case at all, not even close. As it turned out, the more I shared my story about abusing alcohol, the more other women came to me with theirs.
That’s when I understood the importance of creating a community for women who recognize that their drinking isn’t serving them but are unsure what to do about it. Through the Sober Conscious Collective, I help mentor and coach women to re-evaluate their relationship with alcohol, recognize growth opportunities, and help them live the life they deserve.
My younger self cries happy tears when a client begins her sober conscious journey.
I think about the amount of shame, embarrassment, and guilt I could have avoided if I had sought help sooner. I would have spared myself countless days in bed, hungover and ashamed that I couldn’t remember my words or actions from the night before. I wouldn’t have exposed myself to the sketchy and high-risk situations I used to consider routine. I wonder what a difference a sober-conscious mentor or coach would have made to my emotional health and wellbeing. That’s what I hope to be for other women.
It’s more than being sober and curious. It’s becoming conscious of our triggers and the narratives we carry around why we drink. The more I learned about how alcohol suppresses our emotional growth and inhibits self-awareness, the more convinced that sobriety would help me level up my mental and emotional health and spiritual journey. No matter how many yoga classes I took, books I read, or podcasts I listened to or meditated on, a higher consciousness would always be out of reach until I stopped trying to numb myself from the past, difficult emotions, and my fears and insecurities. We must heal ourselves to become the best versions of ourselves.
Photography Credits: Jonathan Cooper
If you are curious about starting your sober-conscious journey, here are some questions you can ask yourself.
Do I want to have a drink right now? If so, why?
What emotions am I feeling? Is there anything (situation, emotion, or person) I am trying to suppress or escape from?
What impacts does drinking have on my mental, emotional, and physical health?
Does drinking negatively affect my work life; my relationships?
What would happen if I chose not to drink?
As I write this article, I am ten months sober and looking forward to hitting my one-year mark. If you're wondering if my social life has slowed down or if life feels less fun and exciting, the answer is a resounding HELL no. I feel like before I chose sobriety, my life was being lived in a muted color palette, and now I am thriving in full-on technicolor. I feel more connected to my true self, and what matters. Since becoming sober, my friendships have become more profound, and my marriage is stronger than ever. I feel my creativity and motivation have reached new heights, and my discernment and intuition are clearer—too many glasses of wine no longer dim travel, nights out, and significant social occasions.
I've learned that I never needed booze to enjoy the party. I just needed to embody and embrace my authentic self. □
Sarah Pretorius
About the Writer
Sarah is a writer, poet, and founder of the Sober Conscious Collective, coaching, and mentorship program. The Sober Conscious Collective is a non-judgemental space for women to share their struggles with alcohol, connect, and find pathways out of binge-drinking and toxic patterns and into a life of authenticity, truth, and purpose-driven success. She grew up in the D.C. area, has lived in Malawi and South Africa, and now resides in Kansas City with her husband and two doggos.
Article Credits
Sarah’s Instagram: @sarah_pretor
The Sober Conscious Collective Website: Sarah Pretorius | Poet & Writer
If you or someone you know exhibits problematic drinking habits, helpful information is abundant; support groups, recovery communities, and resources are available.
SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.