Narcissist & Domestic Abuse Counselor & Coach, Zoe Parsons
What advice would you give to women who are trying to become financially free? (that are leaving an abusive relationship)
Often in an abusive relationship, we experience financial abuse, and this can make leaving that relationship hard. We are either financially dependent on them, or we don’t earn enough. I know when I left my abusive relationship, I was left with £30k of debt, and I became a single parent overnight. Although what I didn’t realise at the time, is financially I was better off without him. He didn’t really contribute and was a drain on what money I did earn. When trying to become financially free, you have to approach this on two levels, you need to look at the practical aspects, and you also need to look at your emotional attachment and limiting beliefs around money.
So, on a practical level you need to make a plan. Here are some things you can do to help yourself:
Open a new bank account, ensure that statements are online only and to a new email address that isn't linked to your phone.
Start putting what you can in that account. Any birthday money from friends or family, an unnoticeable amount from your wage, don't transfer to this account yourself. And any change you find around the house, for instance a 600ml bottle of coke full of £2 coins will save £1000.
If you have debit/credit cards, report them stolen so the abuser can't access them once new numbers are provided.
When you go out shopping start buying gift cards in small amounts. Amounts the abuser will not notice on your grocery shopping list. Food and petrol as they add up and can be used later.
If you can, start selling things worth value that you don't need and will not be noticed as missing, put that money in your new account.
If you have a spare bedroom, take in a lodger.
It’s also vital you have a budget - work out your income and expenses.
Sometimes though, we are the ones with money, and our abuser will use intimidation, threats and stalking to try and get us to give them money, especially if we are in the process of a financial settlement. If this is happening to you, you need to weigh up the emotional cost and decide if you will keep on fighting. Sometimes, we have to accept that it will cost us financially to be free of them, and although this is unfair, we do need to work out the full cost to ourselves. As money can be replaced, but the impact on our mental health, is much harder to heal.
How has growing your platform contributed to the growth of your business and increase in opportunities?
Being present on social media is so important, especially if you want to grow your business and reach people. Also, it is also important to be present on more than one platform. I have definitely found that being able to grow my following, has contributed to the growth of my business and an increase in opportunities. I love being able to meet different people, and I have people message me from all over the world, it’s a great way to connect with people and not feel so alone. Especially as often after being in an abusive relationship, we have been isolated, and we need to find a support network.
What is your motivation to keep going every day?
Domestic abuse is an epidemic, and the statistics are shocking. Did you know that every 4 days a woman is killed by a previous or current partner? I find this heartbreaking, and one way to help stop this is to raise awareness and educate women and children about the dangers of abusive men. If I can stop or help anyone from experiencing what I did, then I feel that what I experienced wasn't all negative, as I have been able to turn it into something positive.
What are the most important values you look for in friends?
That they are trustworthy, respectful and dependable. When you are starting to build a friendship, whether it is for a platonic or romantic relationship, having these qualities is so important. You have to remember that “consistency builds trust” so you have to look at a person’s behavior and ask yourself, are they consistent? Do their actions match their words? Do they respect your boundaries, or do they make you feel guilty or pressured? Depending on how you answer these questions, is going to determine if you want to progress that relationship. □
Article Credits
Website: www.selfloveafterabuse.com
Instagram: @selfloveafterabuse
Facebook: selfloveafterabuse
