Fashion As A Form Of Self-Discovery
By: Grecia Espinoza
Every year, I go through a phase in which the items in my closet quite literally make me gag. It’s a theatrical reaction, sure, but it doesn’t fall far from how I feel. When I find myself in this state, I will typically allow myself to feel repulsed by my own stylistic choices for a few weeks before my dissatisfaction becomes intolerable, and I’m left with no other alternative but to purge my closet. My hallway quickly becomes infested with bags of abominable garments lined up to be sold or donated.
I’ve been purging my closet obsessively for years now. Typically, this need to renovate my look is inspired by either a change in my life or the desire for said change.
I was born with a natural appreciation for aesthetics far before I knew my own sense of style. As a child, I would cut and sew fabrics to make new outfits for my dolls rather than buying them new outfits. Likewise, my time at the library was not spent reading; instead, I would reserve a computer and play fashion games on the internet until my allotted time ran out. When I reached teenagedom, I coerced my mother into buying me a game called Designer’s World. The game was later stolen by one of my friends—a fake friend, obviously—but my passion for fashion remained. I would later go on to win the “Best Dressed” superlative in middle school and high school.
My fashionista era would be temporarily suspended, thanks to my newfound hippie era. In my very early twenties, I traded my chic clothes for a vegan diet, yoga pants, and organic deodorants. I swore off fashion, because “It’s a waste of a soul,” I thought. (Sincerest apologies to those who had to be around for that era.)
I moved into my very first apartment at 18 years old, which instantly plagued me with the desire to reconstruct my entire life. The loss of adult supervision can turn a child radical. I wanted my daily routine and my surroundings to change. The reconstruction would, of course, start with my closet. I went through every item I owned, and tossed any item of clothing that didn’t make me feel good, Marie Kondo-style.
I declared to my stepmom that I would cleanse my closet of fast fashion and restock it with higher quality items. She attempted to show support, but eventually chose honesty: “Your style changes everyday. “There's no way you’ll be able to afford your quarterly renaissances.” she stated.
She was right; I was doomed and destined for stylistic dissatisfaction. No matter how conscious I became about purchasing clothes, I would eventually end up disliking them. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I couldn’t develop a style that stuck because I fell so out of touch with my identity and who I wanted to become.
Developing a unique sense of style demands that we reimagine the commercial by assessing how we can imprint our individuality onto any item. I say “item” because style transcends clothes. Our sense of style influences the way we organize everything else in our lives: from the way we decorate our living space, to the way we write. It’s our unique author's voice that speaks through our everyday lives.
Because fashion is, by nature, always changing, we first have to embark on a journey of personal discovery before we begin to invest in the pieces that will reflect our sense of self. Until we know who we are or at least who we want to be, our style will be hijacked by the latest emerging trend.
There isn’t an inherent problem with trends—they’re fun and refreshing. However, trends are meant to influence our style, not become our primary style identity. I’ve made the mistake of allowing my style to become completely transformed by a trend, which is why I found myself frequently gagging at the closet that I curated. While the clothes were mine, they didn’t feel at all like they reflected my identity.
While stylistic makeovers can be fun, it’s not always fun for the environment, your wallet, nor your sense of self. The fashion industry has a destructive environmental impact; while fast fashion is certainly the biggest culprit, high end brands, designer brands, and even “sustainable” fashion brands are all also large polluters.
Nearly every step in the production of fashion is toxic for the environment, production uses up excessive amounts of water, the ink used for textiles and toxic microfibers wash up into the ocean, textiles crowd landfills, many of the materials used for fashion contain plastic, and workers involved in production are often exploited. The fashion industry alone contributes to about 10% of humanity’s emissions.
In addition to being environmentally and socially damaging, fashion can feel elitist in nature and exclusive due to the heart breaking price tag. Tom Ford’s custom diamond loafers cost more than many of us will make in a lifetime. Other designer brands like Balenciaga, Gucci, and Oscar de La Renta also carry items that, while beautiful, cost more than the cars and houses of most people.
These pioneers in fashion establish the rules of what is stylish and what we absolutely can’t be caught dead wearing. Often, as a broke college student (and now as a starving writer), the affordability of fashion leaves me feeling like ordinary people have no business engaging in the world of fashion.
Of course, that’s certainly not the case. There is a place in fashion for all of us, if only we understand deeply who we are and who we want to be. If we’re able to create a style for ourselves that truly embodies our individuality, we have done our job as players in the game of fashion.
Admittedly, I went through numerous styles before I arrived at an aesthetic that felt like me, from my flower prints and oversized turquoise rings to a slightly more subdued aesthetic. I know now that I could have avoided all of this trial and error if I simply dedicated my time to understanding myself rather than purging my closet anytime I became dissatisfied with some element of my life.
When I sought to get specific about my style, I sat down with a pen and paper and asked myself three questions: Who am I? Who do I want to become? What clothes make me feel closer to the person I want to be?
I wanted, above anything else, for my clothes to communicate my creativity before I even spoke. I wanted to be able to exercise my creativity everyday through the careful construction of an outfit. And because I’m a writer, I also wanted to communicate seriousness while preserving an effortless and sexy element. In layman's terms, I wanted that, je ne sais quoi aura.
Before this assessment, I had no signature, no uniform, no “brand”that felt uniquely mine. My style was sort of all over the place, and while I didn’t notice it then, the chaotic state of my closet reflected how little I knew about myself. Like my clothes, I lacked both a sense of purpose and a whole lot of confidence.
If you are struggling with finding the style that suits you best, I encourage you to go on a journey of self-discovery, whatever it may look like to you: journaling, creating a pinterest board of outfits you love, or perhaps seeking a therapist (but really, who can afford that). Do whatever it takes to uncover the “it” girl that lives inside of you. Buy a shovel if you need to, and absolutely don’t let anyone tell you what you should and shouldn’t wear. Simply reach for what makes you feel powerful.
There is no one-size fits all in fashion or in life in general. Some outfits may make someone look like a runway supermodel, and some may make them look a little disheveled (thanks, Kanye). Different colors are very flattering on different people, but honestly, I feel like a piñata when I attempt to wear any color. I’ve learned that I’m completely okay with that, and instead of forcing myself to like the way color looks on me, I’ve decided to simply follow my emotions. The truth is, I feel best and most like “me” in black or natural shades. I don’t care if Anna Wintour thinks that’s an abomination; there is simply no formula to fashion because it’s a form of self-expression. The idea is that we can creatively connect with ourselves by simply picking out an outfit for the day.
There’s power and value in any form of expression that has the potential to completely alter your mood. How many times have we leaned on clothes or makeup to uplift our spirits? I can personally say I have woken up one person and walked out of my house a completely different (and better) version. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether this can be considered a mild form of catfishing.
If you are at all similar to me, you will be gagging at the items in your own closet and purging all the bad memories out of it at some point in the coming months. I urge you, before you get rid of all the evidence and purchase new items, take some time to learn a little more about yourself.
Who are you? Who do you want to become? How can your style choices bring you closer to the best version of you? □
About The Writer
Grecia Espinoza is a graduate student at New York University where she is working towards a masters in Comparative Literature. Besides writing for H3R, she teaches 9th grade Language Arts and writes for an immigration law firm in Orlando Florida. She is currently working on a collection of poems on the subject of grief and loss that will be completed at the end of this year. Her writing typically mediates on subjects related to art and self-recognition as modes through which one can find purpose and enjoyment in our life. She is particularly interested in subjects like contemporary literature, interior design/architecture, fashion, and wellness.
Article Credits
Grecia’s Email: grecia.espinoza@outlook.com
Grecia’s Instagram: @6rrace
