Honoring My Undercurrent: My Journey To Pursuing Emotional Honesty & Acceptance
By: Anonymous
Photography: Taylor Pircey
From the many challenges I have faced in life, I have learned that challenges are made up of two parts: the actual circumstance, and the outlook you choose to embody towards that circumstance. The circumstance is 10% of the equation, and the attitude is the other 90%. I know from this that my attitude and resilience are keys to success.
On top of the attitude you choose to embody, the resilience you pursue has a direct impact on your fulfillment and happiness. Resilience is the ability to be elastic, to get thrown into an ocean of weighty, overwhelming and seemingly soul-crushing circumstances.Yet, you can still manage to pop up to the surface and make your way back to the shoreline. The journey isn’t always easy, but it is a muscle that can be intentionally developed and strengthened over time.
I understand the feeling of emptiness: the world feels like it is falling apart around you, and no one can pull you out from underneath the pounding waves of grief. In the beginning of 2020, I found myself in a deeply empty place: I found myself in the midst of dealing with a torn quad, furloughed due to Covid, and recently cheated on by a person I once trusted. My plans, my body, and my heart all had been thrown into deep pools of loss, emptiness, and confusion. Have you ever had such shitty and unexpected life circumstances that left you completely numb and unrecognizable to yourself? Have you ever felt desperate to ask, “WHO AM I, REALLY?” in a hopeless attempt at trying to feel something, trying to reconnect with the world and gain clarity, motivation, and identity? You find yourself trying to force feeling and meaning, when, if you’re being brutally honest with yourself your sense of security is just gone. You are tired. You are alone. You are quiet. You are confused.
Photography: Taylor Pircey
I find the vast majority of my identity and value in my work. I have always been the youngest person in the room; one of the few females in a largely male-dominated career. I struggled to feel that I was enough, just being myself. My mere existence did not make me unique, valuable, or lovable in my mind. I channeled my lack of self-worth into choosing a career that deeply challenged my mental and physical strength while also causing me to stand out, allowing me to experience a taste of what it felt like to be unique and valuable. I wasn't able to foster an internal dynamic that made me feel unique so I explored becoming a firefighter which would place me in a physical environment that loudly accentuated my uniqueness. My desperate need to feel exceptional promoted my toxic mindset. I was young and open to the uncomfortability of learning. I worked too much and slept too little. I would work out so much that my body felt like it was rapidly deteriorating daily. My back would ache, and my knees started making a gross cracking noise that comes from stiff joints. My body was breaking down and broken off. I monitored what I ate and learned quickly that how I looked added to my “value” and “worth” as a female on this planet.
Photography: Taylor Pircey
Others consistently perceived my lifestyle as healthy and productive, when in reality, this seemingly ‘healthy lifestyle’ was in many ways fraudulent. It fed my soul lies about my value, identity and worth. I felt tired, never enough for myself or anyone else, and had my negative self-talk down to a science. Working out was a “healthy” outlet for dealing with the stress and anxiety coursing through my veins. I became a hustler, a first responder working 120+ hours a week to avoid being alone with myself, my thoughts, and my negative self-talk. I couldn’t even begin to count how many times I heard the words, “Wow, you eat so healthy!” Despite hearing those words constantly, I felt fat and unable to eat any food besides bland protein without hating myself. I would rather listen to the negative, brutal commander in my head than enter into the uncomfortable space of silence. That silence represented a space where I would be forced to feel my feelings, to release the tidal wave of sadness that I’d felt building up in my chest. Who is that voice in my head? What the hell? Why no days off? When do I get to be young, and wild? When do I get to run around freely and feel the sun on my skin and eat what I want? When do I get to feel seen? When do I get to cry and lay in my bed for a whole day without feeling shame and guilt?
Photography: Taylor Pircey
In many ways I am still the same person. There are days I feel physically strong and mentally weak. On other days, the opposite is true. There are days where I feel an overwhelming high of happiness; on others, I feel a gaping hole of insatiable emptiness. But what if it’s all okay? All these thoughts and feelings don’t make me an island, they make me relatable. They make me human. Being a human is what connects me, the author, and you, the reader.
You are connected to this world. You are humanity. And as a human, you deeply experience the vast beauty and pain that is being human. Even with all this noise, chaos, and opposing thoughts and energies, I feel the EMPOWERMENT of having life. I get to choose how I see the circumstances of my daily life. I get to listen to the hurt, pain, and lies, but I also get to experience my inner child. I get to dance, reconnect with nature, pet a stranger’s dog, and soak in the beauty of a full moon. □
Photography: Taylor Pircey
“An honest man’s pillow is his peace of mind, and when we lie down on ours at night, no matter who’s in our bed we all sleep alone.” — Matthew McConaughey
Article Credits
Photography: Taylor Pircey
